Really, Ladies… He Can’t Read Your Mind

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Why does my marriage work – and work so amazingly well?

Communication.

Yeah, I know.  You’ve heard it all before.  “Communicate with your spouse. Talk about your needs, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your anxieties and little irritations.  Work through them, and you’ll have a great relationship.”

But you’ve tried and he doesn’t listen.  Or maybe he seems to but then he does (or doesn’t do) the same thing the next time.  And you can’t figure out why he doesn’t seem to care because after all, you wouldn’t dream of being so cavalier about things that are important to him.

Let’s take a pretty basic example, and say he forgets to put his socks and underwear in the hamper.  Instead, he just drops them on the floor and there they sit.   So you have to pick the items up yourself and toss them in the laundry.

Socks

Or his concept of “doing the dishes” is to “do the dishes” and nothing else.  The mat under the drainer doesn’t get washed, the stove doesn’t get washed, and the counters don’t get cleaned up.   So after he’s done with the dishes, you have to clean up after him.

Stove

Annoying, huh?

Yes, it can be.  If you allow it to be.  Or you can “communicate”.

Unfortunately, too many women think that communicating involves having your man read your mind.   I know; I’ve been there. “Look at this mess!” you sigh, pointing dramatically and world-wearily to the socks on the floor (or the grease splatters on the stove).  “Mess?” he asks, confused.  “Your socks are on the floor!”  And he looks briefly befuddled, then hurriedly picks up the offending items, tosses them in the laundry and starts to head off.

Man with Laundry 2

And you’re ready to shriek.  And may, in fact, do so if this is the 137th time you’ve complained about the socks.

And he’s confused.  After all, the problem is solved, right?  The socks are in the laundry.  So why are you standing there, annoyed, and acting as though this man who is a complete brainiac at the office is a total doofus at home?

Here’s where you get to communicate.  “Before you leave for work every day, please pick up your socks and put them in the hamper.”

It’s that simple.  No drama, no sighs, no expecting him to read your mind, no picking up after him.  Just a simple statement of what you want done.    If he doesn’t do it, leave them there.  But don’t do it as a punishment, or as a passive-aggressive way of getting even; do it as a consequence.  If he doesn’t pick them up, they won’t go into the laundry. And they won’t get washed.

The next day, repeat “Before you leave for work, please pick up your socks and put them in the hamper”.

Why should I have to do that?  you may ask.  Shouldn’t he just get it?  He’s not a child!

And there’s the rub.  That attitude, the “I have to handle everything, he’s behaving like a child, he should know better” long-suffering dialogue you have with yourself is the problem, not the socks.

Man with Laundry

If you want something, just tell him.  If it doesn’t get done, tell him again.  As long as you do it without drama or impatience, most men will gladly try to remember to do whatever it is to make you happy.

By the way, this goes for sex, too.

If there’s something intimate you want him to do or think you would like, tell him.  Don’t expect him to read your mind.  Just tell him.   (More on this in a future blog.)

To be continued…

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What Does Your Bedroom Say About Your Relationship?

I’ve always felt strongly that the condition of one’s bedroom reflects the condition of one’s relationship.

A fairy tale... not a fantasy.

A fairy tale… not a fantasy.

For example, if you have pets, there should be beds for the pets in the bedroom because once the lights are out the people bed is for the people… no dogs, cats, ferrets, Gila monsters….  Nope.   it’s tough to have a physical relationship when you have to shove an 40 pound dog – or three – off the bed.

Is the room pristine-perfect, with every corner tucked in and not a speck of dust anywhere?  Then there may be too many rules defining the relationship.   Even the best of couples – and I include my husband and me among those – are somewhat messy in their interactions and boundaries at times.  So if our bedroom isn’t of gleaming showcase quality, that’s because we’re real people with occasionally blurred roles or behaviors, and our sanctuary room reflects that.

Unlike the author of the article below – and countless others with a similar mindset – I disagree about the negative value of having a television in the bedroom.  Not only do we have a fairly large television, but we have books – lots of them.  Our bedroom is a place to hang out, where we read and watch television and I often manage the paperwork for my business, as well as write various blogs.

After closing down the rest of the house for the night, we can transition from the rush of work and business, into the slower paced camaraderie of hanging out with the dogs, talking about whatever the television may prompt (if we’re watching it), and my husband can sprawl across the bed, filling me in on some factoid found in his current biographical or historical reading, while I wind down with some of the more reasonably mindless computer work my business requires…. all part of our pre-lights out routine.

Our bedroom is where the dogs and I share ice cream every night, where my husband can hang out shirtless (thank you, Hubs… I do like that look), and where we gratefully turn out the lights and talk silly stuff or cuddle or just fall to sleep, completely exhausted.  It’s our family room, our transition room, our center.

This would not suit our marriage.

This would not suit our marriage.

But this DOES describe our relationship!

But this DOES describe our relationship!

Here’s the previously mentioned article.  What do you think?

6 Feng Shui Signs You’re Dating The Wrong Person

BY DANA CLAUDAT
OCTOBER 1, 2013 8:00 AM EDT

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11134/6-feng-shui-signs-youre-dating-the-wrong-person.html

There’s a tremendous amount you can tell about how someone views things like sex, kids, love and even how much they want to be in any type of relationship just from walking around their bedroom — despite what they say.

But is it really fair or accurate to judge someone based on his or her bedroom?

Nope. People want what they want and no one is right or wrong for what they want. It is interesting, though, when people say they want something — love, kids, a long-term commitment — and their bedroom screams otherwise in rather vibrant feng shui language.

Today, I want to share with you some big red flags of romance I have seen time and time again that should raise your feng shui’d awareness when you’re dating or are in a relationship. If you have a fabulous partner with one of the red flags, I wouldn’t be that concerned, as long as that one red flag isn’t a deal-breaking flag.

If you see more than one red flag, it’s worth paying attention. I’ve had clients and readers ask me if it was “that bad” if their new boyfriend had a crazy bedroom setup, only to come back later to say that they should have known better. So, now you’ll know!

Some feng shui bedroom red flags for relationships:

1. There’s one nightstand or no nightstands.

No nightstands usually bespeaks an unsupported or unsettled life. People without nightstands are generally not planning to stay somewhere for a long time and are unsettled in one or many ways. Adding a nightstand is, of course, an easy fix. One nightstand in a bedroom, however, is a sign of someone who is primarily living for him or her self, and not necessarily in a selfish way. These people don’t really see another person sharing their bedroom; it’s just not part of their present-day thinking. Even if they desire it, they may feel for some reason it isn’t possible right now.

2. The bed has smashed up against a wall, with only one way into the bed.

People with these beds up against a wall don’t always really want a relationship, or at least not a balanced one. You’re trapped in their bed if you sleep against the wall. You are out on a limb if you sleep on the outside. It’s not the best situation.

3. The bed is on the floor, with no bed frame.

This is what I call squatting. If you’re casually dating, this can be fun and childlike in its romance. It’s typically not the makings of a solid life partner’s foundation. Same thing goes for a bed without a headboard. If you don’t have one, get one or make one. A solid headboard creates far more security and soundness for a bed, and for you!

4. If you see a giant (or any) TV in the bedroom, this isn’t a good thing.

It’s very easy to avoid intimacy when you have a huge TV that can fill the room with noise and distraction.

5. Follow me on this one: The bed is placed with its headboard on the wall to the left of the entrance-door wall.

The headboard isn’t up against the wall of the entrance door, but, rather, against the wall to your left. This is the ultimate bed position of someone who wants to “hang out.” Relationships can definitely work in this position if they’re based on strong friendships. But if you’re “hanging out” for ages and want a committed relationship, this bed position is not the greatest thing to see.

6. There’s work in bed: laptops, books and papers.

People who sleep with their work tend to have no boundaries when it comes to their job, and a strong identity attachment to it that’s larger than themselves. Even the biggest workaholic should get at least an hour’s distance between work and sleep. It’s a fixable red flag for many who are willing to see their relationship and their personal well-being as a priorities.

If you’re reading this and saying, “But… there’s no other way to set up this bedroom, so he/she has no choice…” I’ll say this: we pick our spaces. On some level we find a space that mirrors where we are in life for all its greatness and its quirks. That said, every single space can be improved!

Also, if you’re stuck in a dating rut, you may want to look at your own bedroom — and life — and see why you keep attracting the same situations. Balance, love and feng shui shifts — as well as all good things we want to experience — tend to start from our own selves first.

Good luck in love!

Published in: on October 2, 2013 at 5:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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