How Could She Be Surprised? Part Two.

My August 2nd blog described how stunned a male friend was by his wife’s over-the-top reaction when he told her he was filing for divorce.

The marriage had been distant and uncommunicative for more than a decade, and he figured she’d be as relieved as he was to finally just get it over with.

 Instead, she was furious. How could he do this to her? She’d been left alone with the house and the children, week after week for years, while he’d been off on his never-ending work-related sales trips. She’d raised those kids practically single handedly, and had dealt with the household problems and vehicle breakdowns all by herself.

Where was he when the children had chicken pox and were whiny and feverish? Where was he when a blizzard dropped 26 inches of snow and the power was out for three days? Where was he when she didn’t get that promotion she desperately wanted?

And now that the kids were grown and out of the house, he wanted out too? How dare he?

From his perspective, her anger was completely unfair—this was the first time he’d heard any of this from her. They’d agreed years before that he would take the sales job, because it would provide them with a better living than he could otherwise manage. He’d always thought it was a mutual decision, and her actions and attitudes seemed to reinforce that she preferred it when he was gone.

Wondering what signals he’d missed, he thought back over all the homecomings when she’d barely acknowledged him as he came through the door after being away for two or more weeks.

He cringed over the times when he had realized once again that he’d missed out on an important milestone in his kids’ lives… the grade school graduations, school plays, birthday parties, first boyfriend (it came and went while he was on an extended trip).

And he sighed as he remembered how she had made it clear that this was HER house, and his suggestions were unwelcome… after all, she handled it all just fine while he was gone, didn’t she?

So why was she so angry with him? How could she believe they had a marriage when they didn’t sleep together, talk or even eat their meals together?

And what about him? Did she really think it had been all fun and games? He’d spent half of his life on the road, living out of suitcases and in so many hotel rooms in so many cities that often he’d wake up in the middle of the night completely disoriented—he wouldn’t even know which state he was in, let alone what town or hotel.

He’d spent night after night either entertaining clients and drinking too much, or sitting alone in yet another boring room, watching bad television. This was a life? Hadn’t he done this for her and for the kids? And what did he get for it? A family that didn’t know him and didn’t seem to want him.

Sadly, this couple, like too many others, never communicated their relationship wants and needs in an open and honest fashion. Had they, it’s possible there might have been a different outcome to this marriage.

We’ll continue to explore this relationship in future blogs.

Coming soon, Part Three.  

Soul-Mate Marriages is saddened by the high rate of divorce in the U.S., with even fewer second marriages succeeding.  We recognize the reasons are complicated but believe the trend can be reversed with trust and hard work. 

Neither of us is a relationship saint, but our marriage, the 2nd for both of us, has brought more joy, satisfaction, and peace than we could have imagined.

We hope our insights will be helpful.

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